different ways of empathizing

If someone close to us is sharing his grievance with us, are there different ways to empathize?

We can take the side of this person, really sympathize with him (or
her), console and comfort her agreeing that the situation is so shockingly bad, what has the terrible world come to, and that
offender who caused the grievance deserves hell, and agree about how
hard his life is. Then maybe share some similarly miserable
experiences and make him feel justified about his behavior and
attitude.

We can also take an other approach, where here too we show that we
support the person, listen attentively, but the difference would be to
refrain from overdoing consoling and comforting the person. Any comments we
make could be to try to help the person get alternative perspectives of the same situation – maybe
the viewpoint of the others involved as well. Maybe gently encourage the
person to see if he might have missed something himself.

In the first approach, you are sure to get into the person’s good
books. The person will like you better! Its definitely much easier and
more entertaining – doesn’t require too much effort from you. It gives
short term relief for the person, though his problem remains.

But with the second approach, that prospect of winning the person’s
appreciation may look
dimmer 😉 It may not be a short-term solution, but it may well be one
small step
towards helping the person figure out a positive solution. This
approach might be a bit more difficult – and it requires a deep sense
of genuine concern for the person.

Any thoughts… please share them…

multi-select option for a has-many relationship : check box list

[TODO: open a new site for technical posts or revamp this one so that they don’t get mixed up…!!]

After a long time, thanks to the lovely spirit, opportunity and encouragement I received from my fellow spiders @ spiderlogic, I actually managed to contribute something however insignificant to the GRAILS open-source community.

For a has-many relationship where we need to select one of the existing
options – here is a new checkBoxList tag that can be used.

Check Box List

Label List
tag can be used as well to show the selected items (though
eventually I just added a helper method in the domain object to get the
list as a string).

how tired are you today?

More tyred than this guy? 😉

really tyred

Kichu Krishnan had asked this question – when you reach home in the evening, how tired are you? And he talked about a typical scene that I could at that time easily relate to.

I used to be a workaholic, and when I went home I was so tired I'd just ring the doorbell, and someone from my family opens the door, and I just walk – er kind of drag myself in past them as if they didn't exist… maybe a few cursory exchange of words… go into my room or some place where I can just dump my belongings… then just plop in front of the TV or eat something… this was a typical evening.

Kichu went on to ask another question – what have you really done all day to be so tired?

[Its certainly much easier to watch television, to follow a cricket match score, and to urge someone to do something better that we ourselves are not doing. I think it takes courage to be able to answer ordinary simple questions like that to oneself which were being fired like missiles at the audience. Since you're reading this site compared to all the other much more interesting material on the net, you're quite likely to be a courageous person 😉 ]

So I was sitting there listening to these talk and asking myself these questions The initial reaction of course was – WHAT KIND OF A STUPID QUESTION IS THAT?? OBVIOUSLY I'VE BEEN WORKING HARD THE WHOLE DAY AND SO I'M EXHAUSTED…!

But considering my actual physical activity the entire day and contemplating silently about the question further made me doubt my immediate answer, and opened my mind up a bit…

Kichu went on to say – have you watched children – do they ever get tired? They keep playing the entire day… where do they get all that energy from?

And it was indeed true.

We too were children earlier, what happened to us, what difference is there between then and now? Kichu essentially spoke about how that same INFINITE ENERGY is available to us all the time, just that we are not in touch with it. Of course I don't remember the details – but I realised beyond any doubt the truth of his words.

And over the years, whenever I got tired or exhausted either from work or on a walk or a trek… I found that just recalling that idea snaps me out of the delusion "I am tired" and really invigorates me! Consequently I found that one's limits are far greater than what one may perceive! Whenever I came home from outside, I automatically happened to remember this and was usually cheerful and fresh. Even if I was really tired, not very often did the tiredness affect my mood.

This is not about some kind of positive thinking where I try to convince myself that I am not tired even when I am not 🙄 Its more about the real rather than just perceived fact – the fact may well be that I am really tired and my body does need rest (and then one can accept it, either try to get some rest if possible, or try to push my limits depending on the situation). The idea is about not falling into the trap of self-pity 🙂 That even with extensive activity, its possible to stay relaxed internally.

Years later as I happened to by some fluke of fortune get in touch with the idea of sitting in silence – looking not outside but inside, Kichu's simple idea yet most easily forgotten idea made so much more sense 😎

am I a photographer?

[an article written several years ago from my old website]

Answers from different people to this question may be "yes", "maybe", or "no, I just dont have the talent for it".

Let us try to take a closer look at the question, by starting with the idea of Beauty, and considering the ability of other species to identify it.

True that flowers are pretty, and butterflies appreciate pretty flowers and are attracted by them. But it's the fact that the colorfulness of the flower indicates food that appeals to them. True Baya Weaver female birds may select the neatest, strongest nest, but accommodation and the ensuing breeding that are the main objectives.

True some birds have very attractive plumage. Chaitra, a naturalist, has the following to say about dimorphism.

Animals exhibit what is called Sexual dimorphism wherein sexes of the same species have some differrences  w.r.t colour, size etc. In birds, the males are brilliantly coloured during breeding season (exceptions are  polyandrous birds where females are brighter than males). In mammals, generally it's the bigger and stronger of the males which gains the females. In any case, the colours exhibited by birds or the strength and size (body, antlers etc) sported by the mammals are mainly related to sexual activity. Some birds like peacocks show off their colours by their nuptial dance. All these evince that animals do "appreciate" certain features like colors, strength, size and sure the appreciation has an underlying cause: sexual selection so as to pass on the best possible genes to the next generation.  – Chaitra

Hence if we consider the example of a peahen's appreciation of a peacock, my words concur with Chaitra's. In other words, a peahen would never for example care to appreciate a courtship dance of even the most magnificient flamingo, another beautiful and colorful bird. Among all the species in the world, it could only be a homo sapiens, neither directly concerned with the peacock nor the flamingo, yet has the capacity to appreciate both of them. [let us assume the case of a  vegetarian who dosent even want to collect the feathers.]

It would be quite surprising if even the most intelligent of apes or dolphins were to pause to appreciate something artistic like a very beautiful painting of a landscape. Not even Koko, the gorilla who was taught to speak to humans by means of sign language.

An apparent contradiction may be some dogs I've known. Dogs are very expressive, and make no secret of the fact that compared to the house, they love open spaces like parks or beaches. But my understanding was that more than an appreciation of beauty, it was because of other factors like the open space giving them a chance to stretch their cramped muscles, and the fresh air and different smells and sounds, and also their curiosity of the new surroundings.

Thus if we look at the entire animal kingdom, appreciation of beauty is mostly conditional, based on something that they can eat, live in, or have sex with.

We humans have the very unique capacity to admire something, to even fall in love with – something totally irrelevant to us! For example, consider the case of looking at a full moon in a clear night sky – in spite of the moon having no direct purpose – we can't eat the moon, live in it or do other things with it. (It might be used to divide our time into units of time depending on religions or beliefs, but of course that's something we don't do now – it was done a long time ago – and now we usually just use calendars!)

So its human nature for an individual to now and then pause in wonder, and in the stillness of the moment, be mesmerised by something appealing. Could be a cloud formation in the sky, or a painting, or an ordinary everyday table top object shimmering in a peculiar lighting or seen from an alternative perspective. Or the world seen through a soap bubble, or a forest covered mountain or some beautiful flowers, anything.

So in that instant, an individual captures the image in his mind's eye – with a silent "wow".

Then there's this electronic device with a rectangular slot in it that she introduces between himself and the object, so that the device sees the same thing as she, and then instructs it to remember it. So it's not really the device that sees, it's only a middleman who remembers. It's the individual who is really seeing.

Hence I conclude that one who can appreciate anything visual – which is anyone blessed with vision – is already a photographer; it's just that she may or may not be carrying around a device. Whether others share the same idea of beauty or not is secondary, the primary most important thing is whether the beholder sees the beauty.

This is the basic fundamental aspect – there are other tec
hnical aspects associated with giving the device more detailed instructions, which one can learn with time – and is a science and art by itself.

From this point of view, I feel children would make very good photographers – because they have this ability to be aware of, and appreciate what's around them a lot more. As we become adults, some of us may tend to forget it because it gets drowned amidst Everyday Important Things. Einstein (who has said that while describing the truth, leave elegance to the tailor) has put it rather bluntly:

"He who can no longer pause to wonder and stand rapt in awe, is as good as dead; his eyes are closed"

But while this ability can only get drowned, it can never disappear – and will always be there waiting to be rediscovered! And then the answer to the question might become more positive.

The camera is an instrument that teaches people how to see without a camera. ~Dorothea Lange [photoquotes]

dog crossing road

[This is from my drafts, something that happened quite a while ago]

While returning home in the afternoon afternoon, I was coming on the busy Tumkur Road, driving alongside a truck on the left side, when in the distance, in the distance, on the temporarily empty road, I saw a small puppy crossing the road. This guy was walking slowly and steadily and all the vehicles were just going around him and he seemed to be totally oblivious to the danger! It was a somewhat horrifying yet amazing sight. Such a small vulnerable puppy on the road full of high speed trucks and buses. 

(Somehow stopped the car, my wife jumped out and lifted the pup and put him aside somewhere 'safe' atleast for a while hopefully.)

(A somewhat maybe strange after thought, but I felt that though I feel secure and comfortable in general… in a way I too am as vulnerable  as that puppy at the mercy of Life and that gives me a reason to be happy just to be alive 😉 ) 

reengineering my life

Right now I don’t have internet connection at home yet, so except for
occasional posts from my browser using Scribefire, its not very
convenient for me to be very responsive on this site for the time being
– please excuse any ignored comments.

This is due to an attempt to simplify my life and hopefully better its quality, I’ve been trying out some things – mainly I’ve taken on a new job, and shifted to a new house. I’ll be posting more details on the same shortly.

rediscover the joy of walking

This is a letter to my colleagues, and I thought I’d share it here as well…

Dear all,

Can you guess where this photo was taken…

Around 18:20 just a few minutes’ walk from
our office! 🙂

 

This facility has just happened to be provided to us by coincidence so if you like you could use the opportunity in the evenings to take a brisk walk on the neat walking path around the lake, and enjoy a sunset on this bench before you go home/continue to work.


Googled to find a nice quote on walking… but found plenty on

quotegarden.com – here are some of them…

Now shall I walk

or shall I ride?

“Ride,” Pleasure said:

“Walk,” Joy replied.

~W.H. Davies

 
Everywhere is walking distance
if you have the time.  ~Steven
Wright

I have two doctors,
my left leg and my right.  ~G.M. Trevelyan

If you are seeking creative ideas, go out walking.
Angels whisper to a man
when he goes for a walk. 
~Raymond Inmon

Me thinks that the moment my legs begin to move,
my thoughts begin to flow. 

~Henry David Thoreau

 

My father considered a walk among the mountains
as the equivalent of churchgoing. 
~Aldous Huxley

 
Perhaps the truth depends on a walk around the lake. 
~Wallace Stevens

 

After a day’s walk everything has twice
its usual value.  ~George Macauley Trevelyan

I only went out for a walk and finally
concluded to stay out till sundown,
for going out, I found, was really going in.
~John Muir, 1913, in L.M. Wolfe, ed.,
The Unpublished Journals of John Muir, 1938

A pedestrian is someone who
thought there were a couple of gallons
left in the tank.  ~Author Unknown

He who limps is still walking. 
~Stanislaw J. Lec

There is this to be said for walking:
It’s the one mode of human locomotion by which
a man proceeds on his own two feet, upright, erect,
as a man should be, not squatting on his rear haunches
like a frog. 
~Edward Abbey

Walking isn’t a lost art – one must,
by some means, get to
the garage. 
~Evan Esar

If you are walking to seek, ye shall find. 
~Sommeil Liberosensa
 

The best remedy for a short temper is a long walk. 
~Jacqueline Schiff

We live in a fast-paced society.  Walking slows us down. 
~Robert Sweetgall

An early-morning walk is a blessing for the whole day. 
~Henry David Thoreau

The night walked down the sky with the moon in her hand. 
~Frederick L. Knowles

A dog is one of the remaining reasons why some
people can be persuaded to go for a walk. 
~O.A. Battista

If you pick ’em up, O Lord, I’ll put ’em down.
~Author Unknown, “Prayer of the
Tired Walker”


My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty.
She’s ninety-three today and we don’t
know where the hell she is.  ~Ellen DeGeneres

 

 

grails – hasMany does not generate dynamic properties

This is a technical post, I should probably create another site for such things.

Just want to document some problems I came across while trying out some examples from The Definitive Guide To Grails…

class Bookmark {

    static hasMany = [tags:Tag]
   
    URL url
    String title
    String notes
    Date dateCreated = new Date()
}

class Tag {

        static belongsTo = Bookmark
       
        Bookmark bookmark
        String name
}

b = new Bookmark(
        url: new URL(‘http://grails.org’),
        title:’Grails’,
        notes:’Groovy-based web framework’)

b.addTag( new Tag(name: ‘grails’) )

b.save()

These simply did not work, giving the error MissingMethodException, and basically the dynamic methods just weren’t being generated.

To cut a long story short, here are some things that solved the problem:

– In the Groovy plugin for eclipse – Eclipse->Project->Properties->Groovy Project Properties->Turn of the Groovy compiler.

– Disable automatic build in Eclipse, which generates unnecessary classes, that overwrite the groovy dynamically generated classes.

A cryptic error while running from Eclipse :

Cannot execute native2ascii failed.
This can be resolved by running grails runapp once, which does the conversion of native to ascii initially.

Most of the above solutions were at nabble.com though it still involved quite a bit of searching!

If these issues are not sorted out in the development environment,
then one may consider using Eclipse only as an editor, using the command line for grails!

A key point is that the hasMany relationship has been revised as described in GORM – Defining relationships, making addTag deprecated, changed to addToTags

In case anyone has just typed in the code into a groovy console, it might not work as the classes should be defined as proper domain classes using create-domain-class target.

Having programmed for over 10 years in C, C++, COM, DCOM, STL, MFC and .NET right from its pre-beta stage of evolution, as well as Java right from 1.0 in college days, I find Groovy on Grails defining the future of technology. Its based on a very impressive solid foundation (of JVM, Hibernate, Spring) Want to write in more detail later sometime but anyway there’s already enough available out there already!

the Pause button: when only one thing matters

My wife was expected to be at my house to receive my sister, and usually she’s pretty punctual but today she just wasn’t around.

Maybe she’s left her mobile behind. Try to forget it and get back to work – either she’ll get back to me seeing my missed calls, or my sister has anyway said that she’ll let me know.

Trying to work… but long time… no phone.

Called my mother in law who was busy with my son, and said her daughter had left. Then her brother who was at work and had last spoken to her quite a while ago. She was absolutely untraceable.

Waiting… waiting…

Called my mother-in-law again… what was the last thing Vijetha had said before leaving… any clues about where she’d gone? There was some talk about buying a new dress for the baby but not possible that it could take so long and no contact with anyone… She had left on a small moped. Contemplation of all kinds of possibilities became inevitable.

Waiting… waiting… finally cancelled a conference call I had in the evening, and left the office on a bike with a colleague. I didn’t know what I could do. Maybe go along the same road and see if she’d gotten stuck anywhere. But atleast do something… anything…

All these things are going on, and suddenly life presses on this Pause button. Everything that may earlier have felt good or bad or grand or mediocre, now was distant and irrelevant. Suddenly it felt like someone had switched off all the noise of life and there was just this one thing that mattered more than anything else.

Finally on the way, the call came from my sister’s phone and it was my wife. It seems she’d kept the phone somewhere in a cupboard by mistake (inside her purse) and couldn’t locate it. She was surprised to know that I’d been looking for her, and so I just keep it to a short hi and bye. Returned to office, and sent a follow up mail to my conference call asking them to ignore my previous cancellation message.

two ways to bring up a child

Recently someone from America had come on a visit to India. She has two granddaughters in the US, elder one she has brought up with more attention in her own way, compared to the younger one. And there on the phone was her elder granddaughter, wailing away and completely miserable not able to eat properly also, just pleading that her granny comes back home as soon as possible.

I felt really sorry for her granddaughter. But for the grandmother and all her sisters, it was a kind of satisfaction about how much the grandchild loved her.

There are countless ways to bring up a child – but in my view they primarily come down to two aspects. They are of course not mutually exclusive, and there is no absolute black or white.

One is the way adults involved want them to be brought up. There is a strong feeling that one knows the best way to bring up children. there is a strong feeling of ownership for the child to be brought up “my way”. Here the adult knows better than the child. Here the child is considered as more like a cute doll than an intelligent individual. The child is expected to owe a lot of obligation to the adult. Threatening or bribing the child to get any expected behavior is a convenient habit.

And the other is the way where the adult acknowledges that there may be a better way than what they already know, and willing to learn it from whatever sources life manifests as. The child is not a doll, but an independent intelligent individual, and is respected and treated as one. Threatening or bribing the child to get any expected behaviour may happen only as a last resort. In fact, the child is able to learn by itself and the function of the adult is mainly only to facilitate and support. Therefore the child owes nothing to the adult, as its simply a priviledge for the adult to have gotten such an opportunity.