a common man ಸಂಜಯ

Category: psychology

  • waiting in a queue could be a blessing in disguise!

    Usually in the West we see everyone forming a disciplined queue, whereas in India even for a plate of idli in a self-serviced cafe, its not unusual to find people crowding around the counter, elbowing each other out as if there was some impending famine and its some urgent fight for survival for the last remaining stock! However during one of my travels, I had been in an unusual situation in a European airport. Everyone – mostly fair skinned foreigners – were in a disciplined queue as usual, and suddenly there was an announcement that there was some mess up in reservations on the flight, and there were only a few seats available. Suddenly the discipline scene changed dramatically and it became more unruly than the local Bangalore mob that tries boarding a public bus even before it stops! I was really stunned to see this incredible sight that I’d never witnessed before in the west, and realised that everyone sticks to discipline as long as resources are guaranteed. In India we’ve somehow been brought up to believe that if we don’t fight for it we lose it… I think this terrible idea is inbuilt into our psyche right from our childhood due to the competition in our educational system.

    Sudhee recently sent me a link from Robin Sharma‘s blog on the discipline of being ethical. The post talks about how he takes a stand on not standing in a shortcut queue, but taking the extra time of standing in the longer one because it was the right thing to do.

    He writes…

    My daughter and I were following the rules – but this meant we ended up waiting another 15 minutes to ride up the mountain. And this meant less runs. On a perfect day.

    He finds the advantages…

    But I get to stay true to my values. And I get to show my precious daughter a little leadership by example

    I appreciate this idea and find the post quite inspiring. On the other hand, I don’t know if one could stand by it if the situation was something more critical than a skiing trip. But well atleast one can practice it in simple things 🙂 There is a story from the truly wonderful book Zen in the Martial Arts, by Joe Hyams…

    “You will never learn to do anything well in life unless you are willing to give yourself time,” he said. “I believe you are accustomed to having everything come easily to you, but this is not the way of life or the martial arts.”

    “I try to be patient,” I responded.

    “We are not talking about patience,” he answered. “To be patient is to have the capacity of calm endurance. To give yourself time is to actively work toward a goal without setting a limit on how long you will work.”

    …

    One day I asked him (Master Han) how he could remain so patient with the many demands on his time. We were then having tea in his office and I noticed on his desk an unopened letter from Korea that had just arrived in the morning mail. I expected him to excuse himself and read the letter at once, but he put the letter aside. “Why don’t you read your letter from home?” I asked. “I’ll wait.”

    “I am doing what I would do had I been alone,” he said. “I am putting the letter aside until I conquer haste. Then when I open it, it will be as though it is something precious.”

    I thought over what he said for a moment and finally remarked that I didn’t know what such patience led to. “It leads to this,” he said. “Those who are patient in the trivial things in life and control themselves will one day have the same mastery in great and important things.”

    In any case, hopefully Robin also used the opportunity to spend quality time with his daughter 🙂

    One who learns to truly listen (aka a meditator) finds that waiting is never a hassle. Even standing in a queue (of course may not be practical in the context of any urgent worrying situation, but easier in ordinary situations) can be an opportunity to re-discover that one has all the time in the world! 🙂

  • FW: the monkey with the wooden apples

    A forwarded mail from Venki (Today’s Kagga)…

    There once was a happy monkey wandering the jungle, eating delicious fruit when hungry, and resting when tired. One day he came upon a house, where he saw a bowl of the most beautiful apples. He took one in each hand and ran back into the forest.

    He sniffed the apples and smelled nothing. He tried to eat them, but hurt his teeth. They were made of wood, but they were beautiful, and when the other monkeys saw them, he held onto them even tighter.

    He admired his new possessions proudly as he wandered the jungle. They glistened red in the sun, and seemed perfect to him. He became so attached to them, that he didn’t even notice his hunger at first.

    A fruit tree reminded him, but he felt the apples in his hands. He couldn’t bear to set them down to reach for the fruit. In fact, he couldn’t relax, either, if he was to defend his apples. A proud, but less happy monkey continued to walk along the forest trails.
    The apples became heavier, and the poor little monkey thought about leaving them behind. He was tired, hungry, and he couldn’t climb trees or collect fruit with his hands full. What if he just let go?

    Letting go of such valuable things seemed crazy, but what else could he do? He was so tired. Seeing the next fruit tree, and smelling it’s fruit was enough. He dropped the wooden apples and reached up for his meal. He was happy again.

    **************

    Like that little monkey, we sometimes carry things that seem too valuable to let go. A man carries an image of himself as “productive” – carries it like a shiny wooden apple. But in reality, his busyness leaves him tired, and hungry for a better life.

    Still, letting go seems crazy. Even his worries are sacred apples – they prove he’s “doing everything he can.” He holds onto them compulsively.

  • beyond anger management & stress management: ignorance management!

    We have so many programmes and workshops in the corporate world all over the place for anger management or stress management. People feel angry about so many issues and their work issues affect their home life or sometimes its the other way round! 😉 (“work is a place to get away from stressful home life” said some signature 😉 ) Some people go to some kind of workshops to a reasonable extent they learn to “manage” their anger, and are very happy about the guru who taught them how to make their anger “go away”. [ But say one word against that guru and one can find out where all that anger has “gone”]

    Everyone already knows it, and completely agrees with “don’t be angry its bad for you”. And everyone already knows that anger causes high blood pressure and all kinds of other illnesses. It may be good things to hear and maybe useful to be reminded of the harm of anger, but during the times that I’ve actually been angry, if someone were to remind me of any of that, I’d probably tell them to get lost (to begin with)! :mrgreen:

    One of the great sons of India has compared anger to burning charcoal. We are holding it in our hand, wanting to hurl it at someone because that someone “deserves” it! And then we get hurt and we learn about anger management where we learn to count to ten, or repeat someone’s holy name, or try to see things in a more positive way, so that we feel more peaceful and then we can safely dispose the now cooled down coal into a dust bin instead of the other person.

    So because of my ignorance I don’t see that I am still getting burnt… so if I don’t express then at most I may try to manage by putting up with it (which may not always work out in the long run).

    So the only true long term solution is to examine my ignorance but this is really hard to see – remember the puzzle! 🙂

    One of the puzzles Roberto asks:

    What is it: The more there is of it, the less you can see it.

    The answer…

    Darkness

    One way to see this would be that the more ignorant one is, the more harder it becomes to acknowledge one’s own ignorance! So for this dark, ignorant part of my mind, irrespective of what anger-management I intellectually have learnt about (when I had not been angry), becomes meaningless and useless when anger actually knocks on the door. Because then, answering with anger becomes the most logical rational pre-programmed thing to do.

    The whole purpose of my life is to (re)discover again and again the more beautiful alternative possibility in answering the door.

  • you

    This graph was in some presentation by one of my teachers Radhakrishnaji, a few years ago, trying to present it here again.

    Its based on some simple well-known psychology, and shows a graph of a common man’s personality. In the top right above the X axis, is what I know about myself which no one else knows. To the bottom-left is what others know about me but I myself don’t know. Isn’t this possible? Well, it isn’t as unlikely as it may at first seem to be! As Radhakrishnaji said – “To know that you do not know is also a part of knowledge“. In the top left there are certain things that are common, which I know about me as well as others.

    But all these are merely small areas, compared to the bottom right part – what no one knows, not even me, about me.

    This is where all my troubles originate, as well as the source of all my happiness.

    An analogy is while cleaning my house, I open some dark part of the cupboard and find lot of dust accumulated and cockroaches running around (that used to damage the clothes and cause other damage all these days). The very fact that sunlight and fresh air enters that part clears up some of the cockroaches which just run out all by themselves.

    This rare priviledge of having the ability to clean up one’s own mind is what a human is gifted with. But then wise men of India have said that while life is a gift, we’re so enamored with the wrapping that we hardly open the present to see what’s inside! 😉

  • strange case of jekyl and hyde may not be so strange after all

    The 2nd photo in the SI series of 2007 – the one of Serena Williams really caught my attention. I searched for other pictures/her background on the net and was surprised to know she’s actually a model. This photo shows an instant of truth – call me pessimistic/cynical, but it kind of shows a brutal savage element in her (Mr. Hyde) that’s true of basic human nature but seems to be highlighted in this photo. This can also be seen in candid
    camera kind of programmes where the hidden violence in even ordinary people emerges in certain circumstances    .

    Long ago, a a kid was crying and I instantly showed him using my mobile’s camera how he looked when he was crying, and he
    could laugh! Sometimes photography can really help a person see himself which otherwise they wouldn’t accept at all even to themselves. Recently during the holidays I took a picture of my aunt who looking morose (but if you were to ask her, she’d say – no no nothing!) and when she saw it she said “I can’t believe I look so sad!” Of course this could work in two ways – she might become better at putting up a nice face (or mask) to others. Or she might realise that she has inadvertently been very unhappy (for whatever reasons) and might consider becoming happier! (My hope was of course the latter, but finally its her choice 😉 After all, misery has the ‘advantage’ of attracting attention 😉

    Its quite incredible how we ourselves can have a completely different contradictory mode of thinking when we’re in a different mood (when we’re Mr Hyde) , that we can hardly believe its the same person (when we get back to Dr. Jekyl mode!) 🙂

  • open the door to new possibilities!

    Many times I find it quite hard to get out of a cocoon of what is well-known, and look at something new. I want to cling tightly to whatever I know as safety and security, without ever wanting to LET GO!! 😈

    I hope this photo serves as a reminder that only a very few courageous people attain to Happiness, because only a few people risk all for it.

  • any addiction is like a camel coming into the tent

    This was a story I’d seen in my childhood days… I remember it a lot and recently got it off google…

    (more…)