face to face… with myself
“Life is a joy… a celebration… there is nowhere to go… nothing to do”… there is plenty of literature available like this nowadays. And such words may be good to read/hear, may give one optimism, or maybe some kind of relief from any other difficulties that one may be facing.
However, the past couple of weeks, I wasn’t being subjected to any philosophical words.
Most of the time I’m escaping… escaping into words, television, music, this or that. Right from childhood days, I’ve been a fairly self content man. I’ve been more or less happy and peaceful, not faced any major crisis or struggle. Occasionally excelling in something or the other, but by and large, an average mediocre guy.
But these past couple of weeks, all I did was try avoiding escaping. And for a change, confronted myself. Silently sitting down in one place, to witness what’s going on inside of me.
Among other things, though peaceful on the surface, what I witnessed within myself was an incredible amount of turmoil. Kind of like elastic tightly would up, when left to itself is unwinding at an incredible pace. Yet this time I found myself stronger than ever before, to face it patiently and watch it unwind, and see it weakening over time, and eventually into complete stillness into greater depths of experiences, none of which are of any significance now.
Whenever I’ve tried explaining it to anybody, it simply ends getting thinged as one or the other of countless other things. On the one hand, I feel I know a little more about it now enough to explain it. On the other hand I know more about how less I know. That’s the reason I’m not trying to put in any details here, I feel I simply lack the ability to express it in words and don’t want to end up distorting anything! 
[You like you could still listen first hand here].
I can say one thing though. I’m not a well-read guy who’s read much in depth, but have read a lot in breadth, right from childhood days on a wide variety of topics. Also attended several different varieties of personality development kind of programmes esp from my previous company. But I’ve come across nothing so far that describes this or even comes close to it. It isn’t similar and can’t be compared to anything else 🙂
Perhaps what I’ve learnt in the past couple of weeks, atleast a bit of it I might’ve learnt anyway, but through decades of different kinds of good and bad experiences… mistakes and learning from them… and so on… The way life is ripping by its just a matter of time before I’ll find myself permanently imprisoned in a 1X1 prison with the key thrown away! Perhaps finally at the age of 80 (assuming I live so long) perhaps one ends up wishing that one knew what he knew then when he was 30! To a certain extent perhaps this may be inevitable anyway 😉 but well I’ve given it my best shot.
Everybody has his own interpretation, my personal basic idea is very simple: a kind of reverse engineering – learn more about myself and integrate this knowledge in a casual ordinary way. This way, instead of shaking around like a boat being tossed up and down by the viscitudes of life, one can remain *relatively* more like the lighthouse anchored onto the rockbed. I am slowly able to overcome my greatest disability: my disability to truely love. 🙂
A nice post indeed..
I have very serious problems sitting down with myself and let the inner confusion out.So I usually try various escape routes.But what I have understood is that expressing our inner thoughts is very beneficial..If we fail to do so life puts us on crossroads where we face the fears we were trying to avoid.But I feel books are a great help ..we see ourselves in others and the fear doesn’t bother us ..we take our first step to knowledge…Even my… disability is to love and trust someone from my heart.But I am slowly trying to disable it by doing some volunteer work…
interesting post. just the thought of sitting with oneself and experiencing the quiet and peace is amazing.
😀
Thanks, Preethi – and really nice to read your candid comments.
It isn’t really a matter of sitting down and letting inner confusion out, its nothing to do with any psychological method at all. A teacher gives minimal but systematic instructions and guidance on how we can avoid interfering with natural process that’s already taking place right now 🙂
There is no limit to expression – I’ve been a pretty expressive guy either through writing (only a small part is seen in this blog) or my talking (for those who know me personally) etc. Not sure if anyone else will agree, but I personally felt that this natural process which we get to know about, is our most fundamental means of expression.
Believe me, you’re not the only one who has serious problems sitting down… as Nipun says here:
This was one of my favorite posts, and I hard time not selecting the whole post to put as an excerpt here. He goes on to say…
I can really relate to this post of yours: First step….. Its beautiful and very very encouraging… 🙂
Thanks Bellur – I had a pretty tough time for a while, and quiet and peace definitely isn’t always guaranteed
I can write volumes on how it has benefited me, but just avoiding any attempt to glamorise it. The lesser the expectation the better.
One this is that there are many of my family and friends and colleagues who have a great deal of love, and affection for me. Yet though I have been practicing… to be more precise… trying to practice (in a mostly mediocre way and not really dedicatedly enough) for the past five years… still barely two or three* among them have really understood it and appreciated it and actually attended a Dharma camp 🙂 Considering the timetable, the idea isn’t so so easy esp considering that we become more and more opinionated and closed-minded as we grow older.
I on the other hand have also learnt not how vital it is to not give it any significance, and not to make it any kind of criteria even in the slightest to gauge a person. It is certainly not yet another pre-condition to love another human being! 🙂
—–
** Barely 2 or 3 among my family and friends… and in the practice I’m more or less alone. But over time, I’ve found many many other people whom I can closely relate to (irrespective of their personal beliefs, etc), sometimes even though we may be complete strangers, as if we somehow knew each other at some other point in time, and by some chance in the cosmic dance we’re encountering each other again! 8)
These videos around 17 minutes in length gives an overview.
* English Video Real Video Format
* English Video Windows Media Video Format
* Hindi Video Real Video Format
* Hindi Video Windows Media Video Format
A more recent explanation (19 minutes) in English in an interview
given to Reuters:
* English Video Real Video Format (encoded for 28K-Dial Up)
* English Video Real Video Format (encoded for 150K-DSL/Cable)
* English Video Windows Media Video Format
—–
Some key points from this page…
Of course a lot of the time, there is nothing wrong with us, life is perfectly fine… and so very few of us acknowledge that our potential is far far greater than what we usually (somewhat blindly) have assumed it to be.
[Dug up some posts from Orkut…]
Anupam:
10 Day Course: Check-list of Things to Carry
This list was passed on to me by Darshan Zunjarrao, a senior meditator and Dhamma server from Bombay. I hope it helps all who are preparing to go for a 10 day course.
COURSE CHECK LIST
1 Complete set of clothes (3 pair minimum)
2. Torch
3. Oil-comb
4. Shaving Kit
5. Soap (Washing and bathing) + Soap case
6. Towel + Napkin
7. Bedsheet + pillow-cover
8. Watch (alarm clock)
9. Tooth-brush & paste
10. Pen – Blank Papers
11. Piece of cloth for wiping feet
12. Water bottle
13. Slippers
14. Umbrella / Sweater (as per weather)
15. Nylon Rope and clips for drying of clothes
16. Hanger for drying clothes
17. Lock and key
18. Cap (for to restrict the eyesight)
19. Odomos and mosquito coil
20. Handkerchiefs
Can anyone think of any additions to this list?
Sanjay 4/27/2006 6:00 AM Socks/shawl are useful mosquito deterrents (eg in sleeping quarters/pagoda where there might not be coils).
Btw writing material – pen and paper are not allowed inside the course. As it is practical and not theorotical, reading, taking down notes, etc is not allowed.
I suppose Anupam might’ve meant just for the sake of writing down directions/phone numbers etc while reaching the center, or phone numbers of any new friends or teacher’s contact details etc after the course. And for that matter, one can also include:
* the confirmation letter
* address and directions and contact number for the center (available on the website)
Before and after the course:
Svend 4/2/2006 5:09 AM The best advise is that your don’t give up when it start to get a little hard.
Just keep on working your best.
In the end your will be very happy that
your worked trough the problems.
—-
Sanjay 4/2/2006 1:44 PM
It helps to go without any pre-conceived ideas, and take things as they come
Anyway here are some general ideas…
* Sometimes it may look as if the code of discipline is unfair and uncalled for, or that everyone else is fine with it but its just me who needs some special exception But every single factor is for one’s own benefit! And silence is definitely a key element. (arya moun – noble silence is part of the code of conduct). The reflection of the moon can be seen when the water is still.
* An open mind, patient-with-oneself attitude is helpful. Else it can be quite easy to start drowning in self-pity. We can keep in mind the commitment that we’ve made not only to the teacher, but also to ourself, that to give it a fair trial we will remain in the course abiding by the rules for the prescribed duration.
* Everyone who comes to serve are volunteers, some may be beginners. If there is any occasional inconvenience, don’t get caught up with that but maintain the focus on the course (i.e. on yourself).
* If you’re a smoker and are worried how you’re going to manage without a cigarette: Don’t worry… I know of a highly addictive smoker who went to a course with the same apprehension and later on was very surprised about how that had unexpectedly not been much of an issue at all!
Btw, all these are merely ideas, don’t give them undue importance – they may or may not apply to you…
Before the course…
* It may help to try and plan and try to finish off or reschedule any pending issues/commitments that are due so that one can go comfortably without worrying about anything.
* It might be better to avoid telling people any details about it building up grand expectations! Some may ask if you’re going crazy 😉 As a matter of fact, one phrase used to describe it is ‘going sane’
After the course…
Do:
* if you found value in it.. keep practicing it!
* try and find different ways to gradually incorporate sila (morality) more and more into different aspects of life
* use discretion about when and to whom to talk about it. Instead of trying to convince everybody, its better people ask you by themselves by seeing the positive changes in you.
* “My approach is essentially practical, not theoretical.Vipassana Meditation is so subtle and delicate that the less you talk about it, the more you can obtain good results.” ~Sayagji U Bha Khin
Don’ts:
* don’t over-analyze the whole thing
* don’t get carried away about the advantages that may be gained by practicing the technique, for example possibly increase in talents, etc. (What I personally felt is that these abilities are always there within us, like seeds in some dark corner within us. Here they got an opportunity to sprout, hence they are developing. So instead of getting carried away we should simply use them in a positive contributive way).
* even if you tell others about the course, there are bound to be cynical. Try to understand them instead of getting into a defensive mode. It is important not to make yet another religion where we start condeming anybody who dosen’t believe in it even if they talk ill of it. Using discretion either discuss or leave it without dragging the topic.
I’d like to recollect one thing a teacher told us before just before my first course (in October 2001) started – ‘you are all the most fortunate people in the whole of Bangalore’
After all these years I can attest that his words were very much true
All the best! 🙂
Rajesh (after course): i haven’t smoked for last 20 days.
Sanjay: Rajesh, please stop counting how many days its been since you last smoked!
LET GO of the idea that you were EVER a smoker! You have freed yourself of it now! 🙂
Excerpts from an essay Why I Sit, by Paul Fleischman.
——
This morning, the first thing I did was to sit for an hour. I have done that regularly for twenty years, and have spent many evenings, days and weeks doing the same.
It is striking how many ordinary activities, from smoking a pipe to watching sunsets, veer towards, but ultimately avoid, sustained attention to the reality of our own life.
I had found lectures and books to be inspiring, suggestive, artful, but evasive. One could advise, one could talk, one could write. But sitting is a way for me to stand for something, to sit as something, not just with words, but with my mind, body and life.
This mind-body is the vessel of my life. I want to know it with the same organic immersion that sets a snow goose flying ten thousand miles every winter and spring.
To sit is to know myself as an unfolding manifestation of the universals of life a gripping, unending project. Hopefully one I can use even when I look into death’s funnel.
I sit because of, for, and with an appreciation of daily life. The great poets sing of the omnipresent ordinary pregnant with revelation but I know how easily and recurrently my own life yields to distraction, irritation, tunnel vision. I do not want to miss my life the way I once missed a plane at a New York airport.