“Life is a joy… a celebration… there is nowhere to go… nothing to do”… there is plenty of literature available like this nowadays. And such words may be good to read/hear, may give one optimism, or maybe some kind of relief from any other difficulties that one may be facing.
However, the past couple of weeks, I wasn’t being subjected to any philosophical words.
Most of the time I’m escaping… escaping into words, television, music, this or that. Right from childhood days, I’ve been a fairly self content man. I’ve been more or less happy and peaceful, not faced any major crisis or struggle. Occasionally excelling in something or the other, but by and large, an average mediocre guy.
But these past couple of weeks, all I did was try avoiding escaping. And for a change, confronted myself. Silently sitting down in one place, to witness what’s going on inside of me.
Among other things, though peaceful on the surface, what I witnessed within myself was an incredible amount of turmoil. Kind of like elastic tightly would up, when left to itself is unwinding at an incredible pace. Yet this time I found myself stronger than ever before, to face it patiently and watch it unwind, and see it weakening over time, and eventually into complete stillness into greater depths of experiences, none of which are of any significance now.
Whenever I’ve tried explaining it to anybody, it simply ends getting thinged as one or the other of countless other things. On the one hand, I feel I know a little more about it now enough to explain it. On the other hand I know more about how less I know. That’s the reason I’m not trying to put in any details here, I feel I simply lack the ability to express it in words and don’t want to end up distorting anything! 
[You like you could still listen first hand here].
I can say one thing though. I’m not a well-read guy who’s read much in depth, but have read a lot in breadth, right from childhood days on a wide variety of topics. Also attended several different varieties of personality development kind of programmes esp from my previous company. But I’ve come across nothing so far that describes this or even comes close to it. It isn’t similar and can’t be compared to anything else 🙂
Perhaps what I’ve learnt in the past couple of weeks, atleast a bit of it I might’ve learnt anyway, but through decades of different kinds of good and bad experiences… mistakes and learning from them… and so on… The way life is ripping by its just a matter of time before I’ll find myself permanently imprisoned in a 1X1 prison with the key thrown away! Perhaps finally at the age of 80 (assuming I live so long) perhaps one ends up wishing that one knew what he knew then when he was 30! To a certain extent perhaps this may be inevitable anyway 😉 but well I’ve given it my best shot.
Everybody has his own interpretation, my personal basic idea is very simple: a kind of reverse engineering – learn more about myself and integrate this knowledge in a casual ordinary way. This way, instead of shaking around like a boat being tossed up and down by the viscitudes of life, one can remain *relatively* more like the lighthouse anchored onto the rockbed. I am slowly able to overcome my greatest disability: my disability to truely love. 🙂
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