I came across this article regarding Sudha Murthy a couple of years ago. Here are some excerpts…
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By Narayan Murthy:
“Sudha was the only female student in her Engineering class at Hubli, a conservative town in North Karnataka.
…
Besides being a fine engineer, she is a great writer too”
By Sudha Murthy:
“People here have to work in shifts, he [Telco interviewer] said, And that might pose a
problem for a lady on the shop floor full of men. Secondly, you will
have to drive a jeep. Lastly, we spend considerable time and energy
training people. This is wasted when a girl trainee gets married as
she quits and goes to live with her husband.
I assured them that I was willing to work in shifts and that I will never
play my gender card. If my grandmother could learn to read and write at
62, I could learn to drive a jeep at 23. And yes, I will go to live with
my husband when I get married. I asked the panel how many of them were
married and how many of them have gone to live with their wives. None.
When they have followed a 1000- year-old male-favouring tradition why
should they expect anything different from me? Yes, I will leave to live
with my husband when I get married but unlike a boy who might leave them
if he gets an additional 100 rupees at a rival company, I will not quit
Telco even if I am offered huge sums of money. I assured them my loyalty.”
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At that time, my idea of a run-of-the-mill woman was saw **typically** [not everyone, and not all the time!] very materialistic, constantly craving for attention, and very dependent on her husband for financial and especially emotional support and security. Sudha Murthy I had felt was a radical exception, and my idea of an ideal woman: one with *Spirit*.
I chanced across the same article again a few days ago, and ended up reading it all over again. This time, something different struck me… which I wish to share here.
Amma (my mother) regularly frequented a place called Socare, a home for children who’s parents are in prisons. She absolutely loved it there, just spending time with them, teaching them something or helping them with their homework. But Ajji (my grandmother) somehow tried to object, and women have this vague indirect method of objecting to things… Though it was only for an hour, Ajji would complain that Amma never stays at home or something or the other like that. It was Ajji’s concept that “women shouldnt be roaming around too much”, and hence the discouragement.
I remember in the good old days, our family used to make intercity tours by car or minivan. While driving through some rural places, it was common to see some kids walking along a long highway to their school. And when some of them asked for lifts, Ajji would plead with my uncle (who was driving) to stop… “eh Raja Raja car nilso, paapa shaale maklu kano” asking him to stop the car and give the poor school going kids walking so far a lift.
It was her basic nature to help, to do something, anything for them, and that was the very least she could do. But somehow this nature got a chance to surface very rarely, and was supressed and hidden most of her life. All her infinite love and compassion was restricted only to us (priviledged) family members. Yet when she saw my mom trying to do something on her own, she saw it as inappropriate.
One might think that the example of my grandmother is probably an outdated one, and we should consider someone from our generation. Yet my school classmate’s grandmother, around the same age as my own Ajji, had broken all the unwritten society rules in her era. She used to drive around a car when others were only housewifes, and… had founded the very school we studied in!
I am convinced, and not just based on a few ad hoc examples, that though generations have passed, this one aspect of the culture is still the same. Maybe the ratio has changed, more women are liberal* than before, but still that fear is still there.
Indian women constantly are *trapped* with the fear of what others, esp other women, will say or think about them, and whether they are conforming to society’s norms or not. When they are not worrying about that, they themselves in turn are judgemental about others.
So though individually, given a choice, they would like to be very much different, and very much free, its because of each other that they get trapped!
Coming back to my reference to the article by Sudha murthy, I dont believe any more that Sudha Murthy is an extraordinary woman. While I remain her erstwhile fan, I now feel she is an ordinary woman. Because every woman if left to her own devices, would be in some way a sudha Murthy, living on similar lines as her. In other words, every woman would become an extraordinary woman if only they would free themselves!
The best thing that a man can do to help a woman he cares about to achieve her potential, is to leave her alone 😉 And if that dosent work, here are some more possibilities. He could make an attempt to converse with her going beyond “whats for dinner?’ and “is my shirt pressed?”, to trying to really understand her hidden aspirations. Please note that relationship (father/son/grandson/brother/husband/family friend) is immaterial here. He could then try and support her aspirations, by creating opportunities for her to pursue them. Find out what her tasks for the day are. Typically they may be “wash vessels, clear out a cupboard, water the plants, cook lunch, also prepare in advance for cooking dinner and also breakfast and lunch for the next day, do some shopping, and worst of all… watch TV serials” tasks which have become so routine that the woman is absolutely blind to any other alternative.
The man must try to *break this monotonous routine* every now and then, so once in a way maybe on a weekend, try to take on some of these tasks himself [or more conveniently, argue and convince her to postpone/cancel some of them 😉 ] Basically, try to create some time and opportunity for her once in a way to set her free to go do her own thing.
Maybe long ago she wanted to attend some classical music classes, or some computer-literacy course, or a vocational training course (not really to make money but to learn something new) or learn pranic healing, or visit an art gallery such as Chitra Kala Parishat or music concert, or help out at a childrens home, or even as simple as visit a long lost “aathmeeya” (approx translation is “close” but cant think of a better one) friend.
The more number of times she tries out these alternatives, the more she will find it easier to single out things she really likes and pursue them, and then will be unstoppable 😉 and need no more encouragement! Alternative schedules for other tasks like household chores which used to take all day will now automatically start falling into place. “Every project takes the time allotted to it” very much applies here too.
IMPORTANT: There’s NO such thing as “too old”, its NEVER too late.
Even my 85+ year old grandmother had aspirations as simple as taking a walk outside in the sun (which she couldnt do alone) to even attending a Nataka (Kannada drama) which when I took her to it, thoroughly enjoyed myself too in the process! It was not so easy, she would always hesitate, “aiyooo, ee mudhki maneli biddhirodhbittu aache suththaidhaaLe antha jana biddhu biddhu nagthare” [*2] – “people will fall over laughing to see this old lady roaming around instead of staying at home”. I used to dismiss it with “beeLi bidu, avara paadige avaru yehdelthara” – let them fall, they can get up by themselves! …and she was one lady who didnt need too much of convincing as she would already have started to wear her chappals… 😉
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[*1]: There are also some who go to another extreme by being so liberal that they do not bother too much about society or marriage or family and remain single and independent very late into their life but thats outside the scope of this essay.
[*2]: In fact, the phrase “jana biddhu biddhu nagthare” is so common that it crops in almost any argument Ive had with the women I’ve know.
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