why I write

[from an email sent to family]

Ok I dont really like to philosophise like it said in the previous quote,
but once in a way I cant resist… 😀 …you can view this if and when you
have time, else just delete it, theres nothing very important here.

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Sometimes I wonder why I put down in words something that happens in my
life. It could be the most mundane ordinary thing that happens to anybody
but I sit and make a big deal out of it. I seem to be under the perpetual
impression that my life is like some rocketing roller coaster adventure and
every single day (well, a lot of the days atleast) and a lot of people I
meet are all more or less unimaginably amazing.

So… the question I asked myself recently was… am I exaggerating… am I
living in some dreamworld, hopelessly fooling myself? Someday will I wake up
and and regret all the time I’m wasting when I’m actually supposed to be
doing something terribly important that all my peers seem to be perpetually
busy in doing, being stressed out and cribbing about how unfair and terrible
everything is and so on.

I find everyday annoyances really laughable when I see something like a
Tsunami wash away in an instant entire communities along with all the
terribly important things they might’ve been fighting about as a matter of
life or death upto the very previous day. And I find it surprising that not
many seem to have really learnt anything from it, and so makes me doubt who
is really living in a dreamworld.

Anyway as far as regrets are concerned, I actually asked this myself this
very question a couple of years ago… whether I would regret anything…
and dismissed it as “so far so good, no regrets, except a few trivial
things, nothing that I would lose my sleep about!”. And even today, this
hasnt changed. After all, off late I have felt so self-contented and at
peace with myself – I’m even saying it – no more worried about jinxing
myself – and of course nothing beats the fact that I’m even all set to take
on the chaos of marriage!

So the question remained, why do I need to write everything down? Why cant I
just let everything go – gone is gone, let me see what happens next!

I wondered whether I’m trying to prove something to somebody, whether I’m
trying to build up some kind of image and become popular or something like
that. (One of my colleagues who read my Mountain story accused me of trying
to become popular). After a bit of pondering (and esp after reading the
chapter The Dignified Professor, in the book “Surely You’re Joking Mr.
Feynman!”) I’ve concluded that the answer is no – I have nothing to prove to
anybody, I have no responsibility to live up to any image that anybody
creates of me based on anything that I have said! Tomorrow if I feel
discontented, angry, depressed or frustrated about something, I reserve
complete rights to feel discontented, angry, depressed or frustrated with no
regrets that I better not be so and so because I declared yesterday that I’m
very self-contented. There is of course no escape from all these problems,
but the fact remains that none of these feelings persist for long.

But still I really didn’t know why I write, but its been an addictive and
persistent habit which I’ve found no reason to really give up except once in
a way when its eaten too much of my time.

Finally I got a more convincing answer only recently.

An artist paints or a musicisian composes only because they feel they are
expressing themselves. Some compositions may be good, some may be pathetic
– some may be masterpieces – but the artists dont really care, they neither
get put down nor carried away but every day just do their thing. Even though
in reality it may be totally unnecessary. (Its said in the movie Life is
Beautiful “Nothing is more necessary than the unnecessary”).

Its the same reason a writer writes – he expresses himself in words. This is
“me” this is “who I am” whether anybody or even me likes it or not. (And
given the choice, atleast I might as well like it since I cant really escape
from me!)

One key difference in the way I think is about time. People mark a lifetime
with a birth and a death. The popular perception is that between these two
events, a person faces all the ups and downs of life, faces a lot of
challenges and hardships, forms so many relationships, and finally learns
about a lot of important things. I concur with this perception except that
I’ve often dileniated a lifetime in a much smaller unit of time. Sometimes I
feel my entry and exit into a country is like my birth and death there, and
my stay there was like an entire lifetime. There have been times when I’ve
felt even one particular week (my stay in Washington DC in 2000) or 3
particular days (stay in Honnemaradu or Switzerland) has been like an entire
lifetime, where I not only have a lot of memories, but in addition observe,
infer, learn and remember a lot of things that most people take for granted.
I suppose this is probably the key aspect that contributes to making a
person a writer.

The single biggest problem with writing is that it makes me absent-minded.
As you many of you might already know (Esp Udianna who was anything but
absent minded and I’ve spent relatively more time with him. One day I fell
into a pit while jogging with him in the morning, and it was almst broad
daylight! Countless times I’ve lost my keys, spectacles, etc. Also Vimalamma
knows about this very well too. However, not Rashmiakka, because she was too
absent minded herself to notice how much I was! 😉 ). Anyway, I’ve been
absent minded ever since childhood, and I’ve found that whenever I get into
the groove of writing, it returns with a vengeance. That’s because one
particular thought comes up and then it becomes a chain and then it keeps on
bugging me to put it all down in words even though I’m doing something else.

Anyway its worth mentioning here a very important point: I chanced across an
article which explained why children become absent minded. Its very
interesting – essentially, it said:

its because they have the habit of eating their meals while reading a book.

And as for me, I used to mostly eat while reading a book while watching TV
while hearing some music. Tata used to say “one thing at a time” and
unfortunately the one thing I used to do was disappear into a quiet corner
where I could eat while reading my comics!

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And the next important question is – why do I need to spam your mailbox with
my ideas? 😉

Sometimes I feel its bizarre when I’m the only one who’s doing all the
talking.

The answer is I believe people in this list are interested in what I write
(with the possible exception of Radhiakka 🙂 not that I blame her) – so I
think even if you don’t read it immediately, you atleast save it to read
some other time. Atleast most of the time if not always. So thats why I keep
writing here – you’re under no obligation to read or reply at all really.

On the other hand, I’d love to hear from you all – not so much about what
you think about what I said, but more about whats happening in *your*
life…. atleast once in a way. Of course, I know life is busy and hectic
and all, so take your time, but dont forget.

Cheers,
Sanjay