the problem of old age
Consider the following situation:
Put an active lively person into a 1 x 1 x height cage.
Lock it.
Throw away the key.
Forever.
——–
They lived for a long time, my Thatha (grandfather) expired at around the age of 92, and Ajji (my grandmom) lived a few more years to die at the age of 90.
I’ve known them very intimately – I’ve lived with right from birth until they died a few years ago – almost my entire life. I have many wonderful memories about how there was so much to learn from them, but this is not one of them. Having learnt from witnessing my father’s death, I’d spent so much of quality time with them to my complete satisfaction, I’d given them my 100% while they were around, that – this might seem strange – that I had not much regret when they died.
They really struggled a lot in their old age, and I believe I was lucky to be along with them – not only to be in a position to serve them a bit, but to be reminded that this phase is inevitable for anybody – a problem that all the science and technology in the world has not solved. Least of all is there scope for any kind of philosophy.
When the other family members are at home, we speak to them, laugh and joke around and so on and its usually good fun. But we can’t be with them all the time, esp during the working hours of weekdays. Whenever I spent time with them alone in long intimate conversations going beyond mundane matters, I could sense/get to know a lot of things that they were going through.
They were quite independent and healthy upto late in their life. But the last few years, they really struggled a lot. Parts of their body giving way one after the other – leading to a great deal of physical discomfort which often went to the point of agony.
Even more than that, was the acute psychological discomfort due to a plethora of reasons. First of all, there’s an overwhelming sense of loneliness. A sense of guilt that they’re troubling everybody in the family (they were strong independent people, and now they had no choice but to be dependent), nostalgic memories of good old times of either events or people their age they used to closely related to (who’re no longer around) they miss now put them in deep depression. Memories of unpleasant things that they keep on rewinding over and over again and regretting that the world would’ve been a much better place if that particular thing hadn’t happened. In Ajji’s case, even her eyesight had deteriorated – no medical treatment even in the US could help since the nerves themselves were weak. As a result of this, she was almost perpetually insecure – “who’s that? what’s that?? is the front door locked? is the back door locked??” We even had metal grill installed on all the windows 🙂 Of course we joked about all this quite a bit, none of this is as serious as it may sound, but there was no denying that it was not easy for them by any stretch of imagination.
Though we all tried our level best to keep up their spirits in every way we could, there was only a limit to which such things can be done!
“heggidde, hegaagogidini…” translated from Kannada means “how was I, and how have I become…”. This has been the single dominant muse of my grandparents for well over a decade.
The problem I’ve referred to above is not that of old age itself, its a law of nature and not really a problem. But though everybody knows about the limitations of old age, its always a surprise when it actually happens. The problem only lies in the refusal to accept it.
so well written sanjay, that i could experience the pain of old people. it may seem crazy, but ever since i can remember, i am eagerly awaiting the OLD-AGE phase(hope i live till then). i love reading newspapers, have coffee, telling stories to kids, spend time doing nothing, walk the talk with spouse/friends and enjoy grandchildren’s company. of course u can do these now too(except the last one). but i have heard thatha-ajjis tell that “the tranquility and peace u get THEN is different from what u imagine in ur 20s and 30s.” And i have also heard them tell that “it becomes dfficult to do simple things”. And as u have written, some of them suffer from ‘loneliness’.
you were fortunate to have been with ur thatha-ajji.
I agree with Ramakrishna… very well-written.
hey had missed replying to these comments… thanks for your comments Shruti and Bellur! Yeah bellur I was indeed fortunate.
Life is swept along,
next-to-nothing its span.
For one swept to old age
no shelters exist.
Perceiving this danger in death,
one should drop the world’s bait
and look for peace.
~ Dhammapada
~ Ajahn Chah
One of the greatest advantages of being a meditator comes in old age. Because rather than having concerns about whether oneself is being a ‘liability’ to other family members and going through prolonged periods of guilt and other very dark emotions, one can instead be a very positive ‘asset’ – always having nothing but love and the house becomes so beautiful almost like a temple every family member enjoys the very presence of such a noble person 😎 The physical condition or helplessness of the person, or the dependency on others, becomes completely irrelevant, there is no question of obligation any more, for the other family members serving is actually a great opportunity and a matter of joy!
Every human being is a natural meditator to a certain extent anyway – so there is no black or white – the above may already be happening in many cases (as it did to a certain extent even in my home) even without any explicit practice of meditation. My grandfather was practicing meditation occasionally and he was the one single person in my entire family who really appreciated my views the most and asked a lot of eager questions when I returned from my first dharma camp. That is the beauty of meditation, even at the age of 90, one is still eager to learn new things, and he did not care that though he was so learned and aged, he was asking questions to someone 2 generations younger! I only hope to retain atleast a bit of his keenness as I grow older myself! We were more of intimate friends in our conversations exchanging our experiences and learnings. And certainly I am witness to the positive effects of meditation in his entire life and his old age as well.
Birth is a battle, living there is a battle, death is a battle. But LIFE trnascends all these shades and shapes of battles. Acceptance is the only way to move on.