un-singled

Well here’s a confession of an unmarried man – in all my life of 30+ years, only one time have I taken a girl out alone for coffee and a chat. And that was only after I found out that she was married and there would be no cause for misunderstanding 😉

I’ve loved my life and freedom too much to risk getting obsessed and bonded by some or the other particular person.

Of course I’ve not been any introvert and had several very close friends who were girls, but not any ‘girlfriends’ as such. A friend had once remarked – “if you haven’t spoken closely with girls (taking them out and chatting with them alone), you’re missing something in life”. I know about how girls are made of sugar and spice and everything nice andl so on, just that romance/flirting never ranked as a #1 priority or even a #871 priority. I’ve had a lot of respect for feminism, but have seen girls as just like guys being fellow human beings and friends.

[To be honest, there have been times esp when I see some fellows absolutely crazy about the fairer sex, I’ve wondered if there’s something wrong with me 😉 Just kidding, there are always fictional characters like Jughead of Archie comics or Amir Khan in Dil Chahta Hai. Its not that I come from any orthodox conservative background, in my family both my cousin brothers have had love marriages! 😀

But especially nowadays, there is tremendous media hype (eg during Valentine’s Day) that tries to highlight and promote dating and so on a lot, and that sort of indirectly that a single person is a ‘loser’. In general, Indian society dosen’t look too kindly upon single persons – bachelors/divorcees/widowers (a lot worse for female equivalents). As a society I feel we should be more accepting and liberal of an individual’s personal preferences/circumstances, this is probably actually happening to a reasonable extent in our current generation 🙂

I wonder how teenagers can avoid being influenced by the occasional senseless media hype – do they really manage to see that its just opportunistic marketing for greeting cards and related products? That there is no real substance in most of these ideas of romance? I have nothing against dating, flirting in general except the people who aren’t interested or don’t get an opportunity (for whatever reason, maybe conservative upbringing or lack of communication skills, etc) shouldn’t end up feeling lonely or missing out on something! 8)

Recently in some newspaper or something I found some scientific explanation somewhere about why a person who feels self-content has sufficient amount of some particular chemical (some new discovery beyond hormones, pheromones, etc) in his system that others lack, but I don’t have a reference for the details. ]

Over time, my peers and even juniors got in love/engaged/married/had kids/etc but I never felt for a moment that I’m missing anything. My own world – family, friends, photography, work, writing, books, travel, knowledge and learning, etc were all that mattered to me! My mom on the other hand felt pretty alarmed mostly because *her* peers were making her feel like she had ‘failed her duty as her mother’ ( Ugh 👿 ), in fact this has been happening every now and then since the past 5 years!

Finally after a certain point I did decide to get married. I searched for a few years as a background hobby. I did try the portal shaadi.com – its worked for a lot of people but somehow didn’t suit me personally. Nor did I prefer any girl who liked me just by readomg my writing, hence have never advertised on this blog. So I must admit my search has been a sort of lazy and largely passive one where I’ve just got on with other things, and have just been approached through the arranged marriage system (they see my name registered in a book). Some liked me and some I liked, but it had never been mutual.

I value my mother’s inputs in this regard a lot, though sometimes I don’t see any logical reasoning behind somethings she says, later on it sometimes [Ma, if you’re reading this pls note the word in bold font] turns out that the basic effect of her suggestion was actually a very good thing. On the other hand, there’s also the risk of getting superstitious and over-influenced, so it takes a certain amount of trial and error. Of course, there was no doubt that I was the one to make the decision and take responsibility for it!

As Richard Bach expresses in the book ‘The Bridge Across Forever’, a man who values his freedom greatly inadvertently puts up barbed wires around his heart. He dosen’t allow anyone to come too close, and is very defensive and protective about his own space and territory. Reading this book as well as my own introspection definitely reduced this.

So after all these exploits (only some of them written down) I finally got engaged to Vijetha, a physics lecturer teaching pre-university students. She loves physics and is interested in research in molecular… er… something. She likes nature, walking endlessly, and travelling. One of the main things I liked about her is her deep sense of integrity, sincerity and compassion to others – something I could try to learn from her!

How I met her a month or so ago, and how it ended up in us getting engaged (see photos) is a story worth sharing here. I wanted to tell it today but will say it some other time – because I already spent a lot of time today digging up background material and putting it up here as posts in the samsaara archive.

The story involves several interesting factors, twists and turns, including useful inputs from well-wishers (including a fellow blogger Shruti). I don’t know when I’ll write more details – but thought I’d better atleast announce the event here for the time being!

But the summary for now is that I’m an extremely lucky man having by some fluke got a far nicer girl than I deserve :mrgreen: and whom, by some wild coincidence, my mother happens to like as well!

——-
See also:

photos

a post by Leonid 8)

26 Responses to “un-singled”

  1. Leonid Mamchenkov Says:

    She’s beautiful, man. You’re one lucky guy. If you ever doubt it – think of how many other people in the world are engaged with beautiful physics professors. 🙂
    Congratulations!

  2. Leonid Mamchenkov Says:

    Btw, I’m sending you a little engagement present. I was looking for an appropriate person to give it out to – and here you are. Just in time. 🙂

  3. Jesse Says:

    Congrats on the (whoa, an auto preview thingy… endly hours of fun trying to outpace this thing here. OOOhhh, Im ahead of it, damn it caught up. gogogogogogogo. must have been a network hicup because now i cant get ahead of it. oops, sorry, I digress) engagement. It’s funny how things just work out isnt it? Often, it seems the thing you are looking for can only be found when you stop looking.

    Now start planning!

    – Jesse

  4. Shruthi Says:

    Once again, Congrats 🙂
    This was a very good writeup! And I am very happy for you!
    And I am really flattered that my inputs were of help 🙂
    I cannot access flickr from here – cannot wait to get home and check out the snaps 😀
    Have lots of fun 🙂

  5. Anitha Says:

    Congratulations to you Sanjay…

    Very happy to know that you got the girl of your choice …

    All the best and have a wonderful time

  6. Shruthi Says:

    Thanks to the post on Leonid’s blog, I could see one snap at least! I second Leonid’s comment above 😀

  7. Prasanna Sastry, Hyderabad Says:

    Sanjay, Finally the time have come down get into the Samarada Sagara. Congrats to you and Physics Ma’am. Thank god that you also didnt choose your life partner in the same profession like urs. Now you can know How the Newton’s law of motion and law of gravitation is Actually implemented by these wives. (Stop Bunking Weekends now on 😀 )

    Good Luck and Convey my regards to Physics Ma’am.

  8. Girish Hampali Says:

    Congratulations. Sanjay!

    ಕನ್ನಡದಲ್ಲಿ ಹೇಳಬೇಕು ಅ೦ದರೆ, ಕುರಿಯಾಗ್ತಾ ಇದ್ದೀಯಾ!
    ನಿಮ್ಮ ಮತ್ತು ನಿಮ್ಮ ಧರ್ಮಶ್ರೀಯ ಬಾಳು ಬ೦ಗಾರವಾಗಲಿ.

    ಮದುವೆ ಯಾವಾಗ. ಮದುವೆ ಕೆಲಸ ತು೦ಬಾ ಇರುತ್ತೆ. ನಮ್ಮನ್ನ ಕೆಲಸಕ್ಕೆ ಮಾತ್ರ ಕರೀಬೇಡಿ. ಊಟಕ್ಕೆ ಮಾತ್ರ ಮರೀಬೇಡಿ.

  9. bellur ramakrishna Says:

    hi sanjay,
    very happy for u. congratulations. when is the d-day? sweets guarantee kodbeku(for 2 reasons)…..1000 posts and engage aagiddakke.
    and girish, last 2 lines sakkaathhagitthu! ‘kelsakke karibedi, ootakke maribedi”. 🙂

  10. ಅರುಣ ಪ್ರಕಾಶ್ Says:

    hi sanjay,

    congrats on u losing your independence! haha.. Just kidding on the independence thing. But congrats nalli kidding illa 🙂

    bEga mukta thread nalli comments haakirOvrige oMdu bharjari party barali 🙂

    Arun

  11. Chaitanya Says:

    Sanjay,

    earty congratulations and wishing you all the best!

    Chaitanya

  12. Diya Says:

    Hi Sanjay…!!! HEy, great news!!! CONGRATS to both of you!!!!!!!!!! Hope your life together is interesting at all times, and joyous for most of them…. CONGRATS !!!!!

  13. msanjay Says:

    hi all – a BIG THANKS to all of you! I wasn’t able to access this site yesterday night, so will reply individually to soon!

  14. msanjay Says:

    Jesse, heh heh well atleast it let you win once 😉 Thanks a ton for your wishes, and yeah I’m taking the suggestion!

    Prasanna, yeah I too feel its sort of boring to have a partner in the same profession :mrgreen: Thanks a lot and whatever laws I learn I’ll tell you also!

    aithu Girish, khanditha kelsakke karithini, ootakka marithini… alla chey… karithini!

    belur, will tell you more details with sweets when we meet up sometime!

    Arun, partigyenanthe – BJP beka Congress beka? heh heh ok ok nijavaad party ne aagli!

    Shruti, Anitha, Diya, Chaitanya thanks a lot for your wishes! Leonid, I’ve commented on your site!

  15. JD Says:

    Congratulations!

  16. Shekar Says:

    Sanjay dude…. what can I say…pros and cons hudaki.. kone gu. .hallakke bidya… -;) Congrats guru… madhuve ge karithiya thaane.

    And Vijetha, hope your magic presence will manifest into some flowery raagas on this blog rather than the usual… casteu..congressu…computuru…islandu…lone huduga on the rocku.. singled/un-singled/entangled/bermuda triangles…god knows what….

  17. Vinay Prithiani Says:

    Congrats Sanjay. Wish you and Vijetha a very Happy Life together. I look forward to an early marriage date 🙂

    I think we will soon start seeing the influence of “Physics” in your writings.

    Rgds,
    Vinay

  18. msanjay Says:

    Hey thanks JD!

    Shekar madhuvege khanDita karithini, aadre neenadyello paradeshdalli sikaakondidre naan yen maaDli 😈

    Thanks Vinay – well there’s already a bit of physics here, I generally have always had an inclination to it, just search for Einstein or Physics in this site ! Maybe I’ll get some more sophisticated stuff though. One thing is she dosent spend more than one hour on the internet, she hasn’t read much of this site yet (which might be one of the reasons how I managed to succesfully con her into agreeing 😈 ).

    Btw because of some obstacles things had looked slightly dicey almost till the last few days – as Yogi Berra says “it ain’t over till its over” 😉 so the engagement was just a quiet family thing. Mariage will be a more public affair :mrgreen:

  19. Sridhar P Says:

    Hey Sanjay,

    Congrats buddy. Im really glad you finally decided to get knotted.

    Looks like there were 2 photos (swatantra jeevi and more importantly the “colorful” swatantra jeevi) which now need to go into archived photos list than in the engagement photos list. 😉

    Wishing Vijetha will add lot more colors to your life [if nor more of swatantra :-)].

    Looking forward to read about your getting engaged story. Do make it fast.

    Have a nice day,
    -s

  20. msanjay Says:

    I’ve been an idiot to expect people who write here to come back and check this post to see a reply so I’m replying by email.

    Will probably put up the story some day – it was like a very mild version of a movie 🙂

  21. Gautham Says:

    Sanjay, Congratulations. All the very best for a very very happy married life !

    Here is wishing you and Vijetha a wonderful life
    – Without any Surface Tension
    – With your relations being Dynamic and Electrifying
    – with your attraction magnetic
    – and so on…
    I think I exhausted my knowledge of Physics…

    All the best,

    – gautham –

  22. Raghavendra Nadgir Says:

    Hi,
    Really it is a happy news that you are getting married this week.
    MAY GOD FULFILL ALL YOUR WISHES, WISH YOU HAVE A HAPPY MARRIED LIFE.

    with warm wishes
    Raghavendra

  23. msanjay Says:

    ok since I’m giving this link to someone, and today happens to be our 9th month anniversary, I’m updating one incident that happened that day. Though she’s given me full permission to write anything about her, I still want to write only the key point, rest I might share a few years later.

    That day I saw her the first time, in Jayanagar 4th block. She was a nice looking girl, and we weren’t sure how we’d spend the evening, so we just started walking around. I usually get along very well with strangers, and we talked as if we knew each other already. We just walked endlessly on and on, totally oblivious to all the other passer bys, it was as if the world just consisted of the two of us. But of course we had to be careful while crossing the streets, etc! After a while, she wanted to sit down somewhere, and found a huge stadium and sat down there on the stone steps – watching groups of youths and kids running around and playing in the distance.

    We were not just having a courteous conversation, but she was sharing personal details about her background and many amazing incidents in her life*. If you’ve read H2G2, in a way I felt like Arthur when he’d met Fenchurch. Later on, we went to a restaurant and had a sandwich and it was time to leave.

    So I accompanied her to the parking lot where her bike was there. I was still not sure. Sure she’d been an really wonderful girl like many others I’d met. But the same doubt nagged me, is our friendship any different from the instant close friendship that has happened between me and so many other people? Does it mean I can marry her?

    And there we were, at the parking lot, having arrived at her moped, and I was about to offer to get it out on the road for her.

    And there, out of the blue, I noticed this little beggar girl stepping up behind me – all dirty in rags – stretching her arm out.

    Generally I have mixed feelings about such situations where a child begs – I felt somewhat angry about the situation, and empathise with the child. But somehow in that particular situation, only a mild kind of annoyance was there. She was so dirty – and what a bad sense of timing! I tried to continue my conversation with Vijetha, and sideline that girl and ignore her… hoping she’d go away. However the girl annoyingly stayed there and moved into Vijetha’s sight to my mild exasperation, bringing a pause in our conversation.

    And Vijetha opened her purse, took out some coins and gave them to her. And she did not just give them, she gave them with a smile. And such a beautiful smile, I had never seen such a smile even for me the entire evening!

    I suddenly was surprised at my attitude towards the girl – really I felt like a hideous criminal. The feeling hit me like a silent sledgehammer. I decided that if I could learn just one thing from Vijetha – to love like she had loved that little girl, my life would be worthwhile. I was in love with her love.

    Marriage wasn’t without its stumbling blocks, but I managed to stick on to the decision and was even prepared to “hijack” her – but finally things fell in place and it happened relatively comfortably.

    Vijetha never knew about what happened to me that day, till only recently a few days ago. And when I shared this, she was really silent and I could notice her eyes brimming with tears 🙂

    Currently she’s gone to her parent’s home for a week to help her brother with some exams. So that’s why I’m taking undue advantage and staying up so late at night writing all this 😉 but I better go to sleep now!

    * Only after marriage I found out how extremely conservative and reserved girl wrt men she generally was. It was the first time she had ever felt so comfortable with any man as to confide so openly in him.

  24. bellur ramakrishna Says:

    sanju,
    happy 9th month ann.!
    the above comment made interesting reading.
    back to old ways of staying late night to update the blog? 😉

  25. msanjay Says:

    thanks bellur! 🙂
    well not really, I plan to catch up on some books, but then I might end up doing so anyway!

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